David's Epic Fail

I learned recently, from David's own blog, that he completely and utterly failed a big exam at school. All I can say to that is: GOOD.

You see, it's surprising in and of itself that David is allowed in school. So the fact that he failed an exam is not surprising at all, it's expected. And the fact that his professor went out of her way to avoid David is also expected. I mean, everyone else in the world tries their best to avoid David, so why shouldn't his professors?

So, when I use the term "David's Epic Fail" I am not referring to his exam. No, David failing an exam is just expected, because David's Epic Fail is, in fact, his entire life.

David. Fails. At. Life.

Epicly.

Future Little Davids

It has been awhile since I've written on this blog, and I feel it is necessary to explain why. You see, dear followers, after my last blog entry insulting the Other Davids, I became ill. I feel that this can only be explained by the idea that I spent too much time thinking about the Davids, and therefore was sick. But I am better now, and ready for more insults.

Today I would like to up the level of insult on this blog. I am taking this to a new level. Today, I plan on insulting people who do not exist yet.

You see, as unlikely as it seems (really, as nightmarish as it seems), David Levin is married. This means that David now has the potential to reproduce. Now, we can only assume that the only way David got Shelley to marry him is through the secret administering of mind-altering drugs, which he apparently has in numerous supply, as he is still married. My fear is that these drugs are strong enough to not only convince Shelley to marry him, but to procreate with him. (If we're talking about David, though, I feel the correct word would be concreate.)

So, we're going to assume that someday David will have children, and now we will assume that these children will be as horrible as David is. We can assume that any children David has will be as horrible as he is because there is no way anything that comes of David could NOT be bad. So, what follows is addressed to these wretched Future Little Davids:

Dear Future Little Davids,

You are horrible creatures. While it is not your fault but instead the fault of your father, that is not an excuse that you can use. You see, Future Little Davids, you are by default ugly, sinister little creatures who may very well spell the end of the world. Though I have yet to meet you because you have yet to exist, I imagine that when the book of Revelation refers to the demon locusts that come flying out of the bottomless pit, you yourselves are these demon locust. You will have faces like men but teeth like lions, bodies like horses and tails like scorpions. You will terrorize the whole earth. People will wish they were dead because of you.

There. I feel much better knowing that, when those Future Little Davids arrive on this earth, there will be at least one insult waiting for them. Let us pray that such a day is a long, LONG way off.

Until the next time, dear followers, remember; if you see a David, poke him in the eye with a red hot iron spike. I suggest a long one, so that you don't have to get too close.

The Others

I have been debating with myself since the inception of this blog whether to write today's entry or not. This blog is, of course, dedicated to the insulting of David Levin, but what about the other Davids whose wretchedness are equally as noteworthy? Well, perhaps equally is an impossible term to use in this matter. I mean, how could anyone be AS horrible a person as David Levin? but then, when I consider the other noteworthy Davids, well, it's like trying to pick out the worst maggot. Or perhaps the worst maggot excrement. I would hate to insult maggots like that. After all, they can't help it.

So, after a long and drawn out self-debate, and while I'm killing time waiting for something MUCH better to come along, I have decided to dedicate today's blog entry to The Other Davids.

First and foremost comes David Choquette. It is a relief to me knowing that this particular Other David lives in the woods, far away from polite society. However, knowing that he is working with young and impressionable children (who are already slightly disturbed from my understanding) fills me with dread. What terrors haunt these children's dreams when they are forced to be around such a terrible person (for lack of more accurate term) day in and day out? I pity these poor, defenseless young ones. You may be asking yourself, dear reader, what is it that makes David Choquette so bad? Is he that mean of a person? No, it is not meanness that makes David Choquette a terror, it is his face! That's right, his face! To look on David Choquette's face is to despair. The Greek myth of Medusa is actually based on David Choquette's face. He is so ugly that his ugliness resonated back several thousand years to the ancient Greeks, whose children woke up screaming in the middle of the night, crying out about their nightmares of the horrible faced monster who could turn you to stone with one look... if you were lucky. If you were to collect all the vomit that is vomited in Carowinds and Kings Dominion both in one year, and compress all that nastiness down into a 1 inch by 1 inch square, the nastiness of that 1 inch by 1 inch square would only be a tenth of the nastiness of the nicest 1 inch by 1 inch square of David Choquette's face.

My next Other David is David Blanchard. Ah, David Blanchard, I have gone so long without the chance to insult you, mainly, I'm convinced, because you hate me and avoid me at all costs. While I cannot blame you for that, I also cannot go any longer without insulting you. David Blanchard, your smell is so rancid that I can tell at any given moment what direction you are in in relation to where I am and roughly how far away you are based solely on the stench that fills the earth's atmosphere. If given the choice between having to live within 50 miles of David Blanchard and building my house out of trash found at the landfill, I would not hesitate to live in the trash house. The smell would be far more bearable. The only thing that even comes close to the odor of David Blanchard, is, well... nothing. Nothing in Heaven, Earth, or even Hell for that matter can possibly smell that bad.

That is all that I can stand to write about the Other Davids. I know there are more Other Davids out there (Nathaniel, we all know your first name is David), but everytime I begin to think of all of these Davids (including the original David Levin) I begin to feel naseuos. I cannot continue thinking about all of these Davids without risking becoming suicidal. So, until next time, I encourage all my readers out there (I know there's at least two of you)- if you see a David, slap him, then quickly wash your hand to keep it from burning off.

Like a black hole...

Today, I feel the need to contemplate on the depths of David Levin's mind. Not depths of intelligence, or depths of wisdom, or even depths of compassion. No, David's mind is like a black hole- stuff goes in, but nothing comes out. Any and all information that David is given is soon crushed into a microscopic point that cannot be seen, measured or used, yet it is still larger than the brain in David's head.

Yes, that's right, the only unlimited depth in David's world is the unlimited depth of his stupidity. David is so stupid, in fact, that he makes Homer Simpson look like a genius. David is so stupid, in fact, that every dumb blonde joke ever spoken has actually been based on true events from David's life. David is so stupid, in fact, that I garuntee that as he is reading these insults on his intelligence, he is laughing. Aren't you, David?

I fear that is all I dare write on the stupidity of David Levin. I worry that if I contemplate his stupidity too long, it will suck away my intelligence. Again, it's like a black hole. David, as you read this, I have one final piece of advice for you- stop being so stupid.